


Vera Farted Out

by Giggurt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Shrek (Movies), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28489788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giggurt/pseuds/Giggurt
Summary: Twas a normal day in high school, when two girls in their first year decided to write horrible fanfiction. This piece of literature was created to make fun of themselves and their third friend, for if they ever went to Hogwarts, this is what the cringy bastards would be like.Please ignore this. Avert your eyes to this Mall Santa of a fic. It will hurt you, please turn back. Eat a Shrek toe or two and think about if you REALLY need to click on this. You have been warned…
Kudos: 2





	1. Prologue

TAH!  
OMELETTE!  
PLAM!  
VERA FARTED OUT

Kiana, Vera, and Jamie ran down Diagon Alley spazzing out and waving their imaginary wands in the air.

“Yo Draco wanna have a wand fight in the bathroom!” Vera screamed out mimicking Harry’s voice, not knowing Lucius was standing behind her. Kiana clapped. 

The girls ran away, whilst Vera screamed, “BLOODY GRYFFINDORS!” The group ended up inside the uniform shop called… uh…. RIGHT… called Omelet and browsed around. Vera bought her uniform, painting over it with bright green paint. She chatted about all the people in Slytherin she would get to meet, and strolled around with a confident attitude, while Kiana and Jamie said, “What if you get sorted into another house?”

“Nonsense, I know I’m a Slytherin, I have taken FIVE Pottermore quizzes.” Kiana and Jamie left the shop, while Vera muttered, once again, “Bloody Gryffindors.”

Dumbledab walked up and did a fabulous dab.

Harry's POV

Harry watched as his best friends, Ron and Hermione, bickered with each other for what seemed like the dozenth time already. Merlin, it was the first day of school! He sighed in exasperation, pinching his nose between nimble fingers, before elbowing them both hard in the ribs. "Hush, guys. Dumbledore's starting his speech!" Harry scolded. "Sorry, mate!" Ron apologized, nodding at Hermione as she whipped her head towards the headmaster, embarrassed. Ron turned back towards the professors at the Head of the teachers' table. "Good evening, pupils of all ages!" Dumbledore began, immediately hushing the hall. "Before we dig in into that delightful trifle known as dinner, I have an...interesting announcement to make."

The quiet rustle of robes against wood filled the Hall as the students buzzed with excitement.

Hermione, Ron, and Harry whispered softly. "What do you think it's going to be? A new teacher?" Ron scoffed at Hermione's musings. "Are you mad? We're already going to be stuffed to the brim with homework and exams! What could we possibly need another teacher for?" The two started to argue again, but were silenced when they realized the entire school was staring at them. They reddened and turned away from each other once more. "Now," Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I am happy to inform you all, `that for this year at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, we have the pleasure of having a new group of students transferring for the year!"

The entire Hall burst into chatter, already debating which houses the newcomers would be sorted into. Ron, Hermione, and Harry spoke quietly. "What do you think they'll be like?" Hermione asked excitedly. She had taken it upon herself as a yearly tradition to help any new students and first years adjust to Hogwarts, ever since her first year at Hogwarts. "Blimey," Ron exclaimed. "I reckon it's for the Triwizard Tournament this year!"

"What's the Triwizard Tournament?" Harry asked, but as Ron opened his mouth to answer Dumbledore, once again, cleared his throat, loudly. "Yes, yes, it is terribly exciting and all for you. Because of that, I will introduce you to them now." The massive doors of the Great Hall banged open on cue, revealing three large people, led by Professor McGonagall.

“OH MY CHUCK ITZA HOGWARTS!” “NO IT’S A ROOM” Kiana and Jamie argued.

“Ahem, Jamie, would you go first?”

“YEET”

Jamie sat down and the hat screamed, “RAVENCLAWWW FOURTH YEAR”

“OMELET”

“Now, Kiana Flame, it’s your turn.” Kiana sat down next, while the hat screamed, “GRYFFINDOR! FOURTH YEAR!”

“HAHA BLOODY GRYFFINDOR!” Vera shouted at Kiana.

“I WOULD SAY GO TO HELL BUT I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN!” Kiana screamed back, while the whole school burnt to a crisp from that roast. (NO PUN INTENDED)

“Now, Vera.” Dumbledab said, ignoring what just happened. Vera sat down proudly, saying, “I don’t even need this sorting, I’m going to be in SlytherWIN.”

“WOOP” a lonely voice said from the Slytherin table.

“HUFFLEPUFF”

“WHAT” Kiana and Jamie fell down in laughter. “I thought you were a Slytherin, you were so sure of it too!” Kiana shouted.

“FIRST YEAR!” 

“WHAT”

“GO TO THE HUFFLES VERA!” Dumbledab shouted.

“HAHA VERA IN YOUR STUPID FACE!” Kiana laughed as she repeatedly faceplamed.

“OMELET”

Vera ended up being dragged across the Great Hall by Cedric that day, but Vera didn’t give a damn.  
“TAH!” she screamed, nipping at Cedric, and attempting to speak Parseltongue. 

“DRACO WHAT ABOUT OUR WAND FIGHTS.”

“MY LOVE BELONGS TO HARRY”

“oH”

Kiana and Jamie high fived quietly, while Dumbledab dabbed again. (fuck my life)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why would you click on this hellhole of a fic? Anyway, this chapter is 4 years old and it's only the beginning. The next chapters are gonna be so pog, you don't even understand. If you would like to recommend the stupidest plotline you can think of, please comment it down below!!


	2. The beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read if you wanna see Vera fight Cho Chang

TAH!

The three new students had a difficult first day at Hogwarts since they had trouble blending in. The Americans had decided that wearing fursuits would be culturally appropriate in this situation. 

“THESE BLOODY GRYFFINDORS DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A PROPER WANDFIGHT!” screamed Vera in her Minecraft ocelot fursuit. 

“You’re just jealous because their wands are bigger than yours,” replied Kiana. She adjusted her pastel cat fursuit that a man named Jin had worn previously, (or so eBay said) so that it would cover her Jack Frost x Elsa tattoos on her forearm. 

“Omelet…” muttered Jamie, who had on a bootleg chicken fursuit. The three friends hurried to their next class while receiving stares from fellow students. As they neared the Potions classroom, they could hear a group of Ravenclaw students whispering to each other and giving the three girls weird looks. One of them stood out in the group… Cho Chang.

“Horton hears a thot,” Vera said loudly while approaching Cho, her Minecraft ocelot tail dragging behind her. The group of Ravenclaws gasped and awaited Cho's reply.

“Nice clothes,” Cho said sarcastically, walking closer to Vera. 

“Thanks, I got them from the soup store.”

“WHY WERE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!” asked Kiana calmly.

“FUCK YOU” Vera replied, squatting and hopping around in a circle. Kiana and Jamie joined in. The door opened suddenly, revealing a greasy-haired teacher who was holding what looked like a newspaper. 

“Who the fuck told the press about that one time with me and Harry?” he asked the students angrily. Everyone was silent until someone from the end of the hallway tripped and fell on their face. When they stood up and brushed off their robes, the students recognized the person immediately. Snape gasped.

“IT WAS ME!” Harry screamed. “I THOUGHT OUR LOVE WAS REAL UNTIL YOU SAID MY MOTHER’S NAME AFTER YOU KISSED ME. I KNOW I HAVE HER EYES BUT DAMN GET OVER YOURSELF YOU FUCKING BAGPIPE. WE’RE DONE, I’M DUMPING YOUR ASS FOR DRACO.” Harry tripped once again while attempting to make an exit, this time falling on his ass.

“Whoop there it isss,” said Kiana after Harry’s outbreak. 

“Detention.” 

“What?” 

“Not you, I'm talking to Mimsborne.”

“WHAT” cried Vera.

“4 weeks.”

“OH FOR F-”

The first class went smoothly, besides the frequent visits Dumbledab made. He enjoyed skipping from class to class and dabbing in front of the students, which sometimes caused blindness. Halfway through the class, Cho threw a dragon heart at Vera. Vera caught it without hesitation and ate the entire heart while keeping eye contact with Cho because Vera didn’t give a damn… She later threw up.

Later on, Snape walked around the classroom, checking everyone’s potions that they had been working on during class. 

“Dreadful. Simply dreadful,” he muttered while checking Jamie’s potion, which had turned out to be a raw omelet (I LIEK IT RAW). “What the-,” he paused while moving over to Vera. She had been writing fanfiction for a new series she thought of. Snape knew the first chapter would be posted on Wattpad, but never updated after that. But Vera didn’t give a damn... He moved on to Kiana, eyes widening at what she had created. It was a perfectly brewed Amortentia potion, with a note on the side of it. Taking a closer look, he made out the words “For Jin.” 

Snape leaned closer to the potion and slowly licked the side of the cauldron. He stood back up and looked Kiana in the eyes. “Amazing. I would sacrifice a virgin for that potion.” 

“Suicide’s never the answer,” she replied, remaining eye contact.

“Negative points. And two weeks of detention.”

“What?!” 

“Not you, for Mimsborne.”

“URF” Vera cried.

Kiana, Vera, and Jamie ran down the stairs towards the food hall place that I forgot the name of, aggressively waving their wands in the air. Once they got to the food place, Vera automatically strode towards the Slytherin table.

“VERA YOU’RE A FUCKING HUFFLEPUFF REMEMBER!” Kiana shouted towards her.

“YA BLOODY GRYFFINDORS DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT” Vera shouted back, sitting next to Draco and challenging him to another wand fight. 

“Not again..” Cedric muttered, standing up and walking over to Vera. He grabbed onto her leg and started to drag her towards the Hufflepuff table.

“HISS HISS MOTHAFUCKER” Vera said, attempting to speak Parseltongue once again. She started to headbang as Cedric chained her to the chair next to the other Hufflepuffs. Kiana and Jamie high-fived and went to their tables. Dumbledab did a respectful dab before digging into his food.

(I ended it like the last one because i'm lazy)

EXTRA SHIT:

“We’re almost there,” Flitwick panted, quickening his pace.

“This secret room better be fucking worth it,” Kiana said to the others.

“Why did we agree to this anyway?” Vera replied, slurping a bowl of spaget through a straw. “A random teacher said he would show us his meat in a secret room hidden in the dungeons…”

“Is it raw?” asked Jamie. Nobody answered, instead Flitwick stopped in front of an old-looking painting and waved a ham in greeting. An old man wearing grey robes and holding a staff was painted onto the canvas. He looked at them tiredly. 

“YoU sHall nOt pA- again Flitwick?” the painting asked, once he saw the teacher. Flitwick gave him a look. The painting sighed. “Password?”

“Beef women”

“fuc ya”

The painting swung open and Flitwick stepped into the dark room cautiously. The ‘Mericans followed, wondering why they were doing this at 2 am. “Lumos,” the teacher muttered, continuing to walk towards the middle of the room. A single slab of meat floated midair in front of Flitwick. It was at least 18 years old. The meat was disgusting and shriveled up, it almost looked like Dobby the house elf’s genitals. 

Flitwick’s wand stopped producing light and the room became dark as hell.

“Fuck this shit i'm out,” sang Kiana while turning around, but the painting had sealed itself shut.

“Is that a baguette in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Vera asked into the darkness.

“Who are you talking to?” asked Kiana, turning back around and casting Lumos herself. The light barely illuminated the room, but Kiana could see a 7-foot yellow figure behind Vera, smiling down at her. The giant stalk of corn reached out with its leafy hand and muttered four words…

“Butter me up sunshine”

This was worse than any sort of werewolf situation. Professor Flitwick turned into a fucking piece of corn. Only at Hogwarts. 

“There’s no way to escape, we’ll have to fight this thing,” Kiana said, getting her wand out. Right away, Vera went for her winning move. She got into position and prepared herself by doing a couple of squats.

“Just do the fucking thing already,” Kiana said.

Vera stood up straight and looked the corn in the eyes.

“OMAE WA MOU SHINDEIRU”

Red beams of light shot out of her eyes, blinding her two friends temporarily. Once her finishing move was over, they looked back to the middle of a room. A dapper potato sat there, its mustache newly groomed.

“Fuck yeah imma take it,” Vera said, pocketing the potato.

A door on the opposite side of the room opened.

“No,” Vera said.

“Yes,” Kiana replied, walking directly through the door. They followed, happy that their Charms teacher was now a potato in Vera’s pocket.

This room was bright, giant ass candles were floating around the room being all bright and shit (it’s 3:30am, my writing will be shit from here on out). Standing in this next room was Preston from space camp.

“THIS BITCH,” Kiana said, getting angry. The flames in the candles surrounding her started to get larger. Suddenly a man stepped out from behind Preston. Jin. 

Jin held Preston's hand and squeezed it, the students noticed they had wedding rings on. 

“What the actual fuc-” Vera started to say, but another dude stepped out from behind Jin. Gavin from (top-secret school name shhh).

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING-” Kiana said, but stopped because Gavin, who also had on a wedding ring, took Jin’s other hand in his. It was a three-way fucking marriage m8.

“I know you stole my Japanese pen,” Gavin said, his voice cracking multiple times. “Give it to me.”

“yEAh,” Preston joined in, whipping and nae-naeing. This caused Kiana, Vera, and Jamie to lose brain cells. Kiana had enough of this, she wasn’t going to let these two fucks get in the way of her man.

So Kiana set fire to those hoes. She walked through their ashy remains towards Jin and picked up both of the wedding rings. Kiana slipped the rings onto both of her middle fingers and put Jin in her pocket. Another fucking door opened across the room.

“NO”

“YES” 

They walked through the door. Inside this room was a nasty ass omelet laying on the floor. It was screeching like a mandrake, and black goo leaked out of its ass. You bet your ass Jamie put that thing in her pocket.

The three girls headed back to their common rooms, still in their fursuits. They agreed to never follow a creepy teacher into the dungeons ever again. Jin left BTS to live in Kiana’s pocket and this is only the second fucking day of Hogwarts. Here’s to the next week.

END OF DAY TWO (178 DAYS LEFT IN THE SCHOOL YEAR)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, that was pretty poggers of Kiana to burn Gavin to death!!


	3. The Roast Off

Felix, dressed in a pink bikini, slowly rubbed his stubble against the Justin Bieber cardboard cutout. “Justin, we’re together,” he sobbed, stroking the cardboard’s face.

“Is it just me, or is the new Charms teacher a little... weird?” Harry whispered to Ron and Hermione. Harry was trying to drown out Felix’s sobs with his teenage angst, but it wasn’t working. Ron was about to agree but was interrupted when Felix started kicking a barrel.

“BARRELS!” he screamed.

Kiana, Vera, and Jamie watched from behind the golden trio, slightly entertained. “At least he’s better than Flitwick,” Vera commented, stroking the potato that was once their previous Charms teacher. Kiana nodded in agreement but was secretly listening to ‘Jin eating food asmr’ on her phone. 

“I gotta say…” Jamie piped in.

“Oh no.”

“That class was pretty Rossome.”

“FFFUCKOFF”

The last five minutes of class were spent watching Felix stick a mop up the barrel’s butt. He joked about it at first, but the mop ended up slipping right into the barrel’s ass. It was a match made in heaven.

“Barrels…”

The bell rang. The students filed out of the door towards their next classes. Kiana, Vera, and Jamie’s next class happened to be transfiguration. On their way, they passed Draco Malfoy, and Vera still had her heart set on their wand fight.

“These uniforms are killing me! The material is cheap and the collar digs into my neck. I’LL TELL MY FATHER ABOUT THIS,” Draco shouted to Crab and Golem. 

“Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable then, like a coma?” Vera suggested, striding up to Draco.  
“I don’t remember asking for your opinion,” Draco replied, trying to make himself tall. But he couldn’t out-tall the Vera.

“Why don’t we take this to the bathroom then, we can settle this with a wand fight.”

“Oh for- I TOLD YOU I ONLY DO THAT WITH HARRY,” Draco said, getting angry. He then sighed. “How about we settle this the old fashion way. A roast off. Send your best man to the dueling room after class.”

“Fine,” replied Vera calmly. 

“Crab, Golem. Let’s go, we don’t want to catch a disease from these animals.” Draco and his douchey followers walked away with smug smiles. 

“I’ll do it. I’ve always wanted to out-roast one of those scumbags,” Kiana said while finishing her sleeve of temporary Jack Frost x Elsa tattoos. Her left arm was fluff and her right arm was smut. Her OTP was slowly taking over her. It would kill her if she stopped injecting herself with BTS memes, but thankfully the army never ran out of those.

Vera nodded and led the way towards transfiguration, muttering something about “bloody Gryffindors”. The other two followed her and headed into the classroom, which was already filled with students. They decided to take seats in the back, so McGonagall wouldn’t hear them talking about memes. McGonagall introduced herself and then told them to start transfiguring their cups into pepes. About 20 minutes into class, some of the Hufflepuffs in front of them were talking about how awful the new students were and how they should have never been invited to Hogwarts.

Vera overheard them and for the first time, gave a fuck. “OI I HEARD YOU WERE TALKING SHIT, WANNA FIGHT!”  
The Hufflepuff in front of her turned around and smirked. “Like you would do that in front of McGonagall.”

“BEGONE THOT!” Vera shouted, standing up and taking out her wand. Instead of scolding Vera, McGonagall leaned back in her chair and sipped her tea. This was going to get good. The Hufflepuff boy stood up and took out his own wand. He pointed it at Vera menacingly. 

“I WILL HURT YOU IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER” he screamed, backing away.

“SKIDADDLE SKIDOODLE, YOUR DICK IS NOW A NOODLE!” Vera shouted, as a white light shot out of her wand and hit the Hufflepuff directly in the crotch. His dick was now a noodle.

“AMAZING TRANSFIGURATION VERA, TEN POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF!” McGonagall said while applauding. The class looked terrified but joined in on the applause anyway. 

Class ended with Hufflepuff in the lead for the house point things. It was time for the roast off. 

The ‘Merican girls headed towards the dueling room, Kiana ready more than ever to kill one of the little shits with her fire roasts. As they entered they noticed a small crowd of Slytherins standing around the center of the room. Kiana knew what to do. She walked into the middle of the circle and stood face to face with Crab.

“On the count of three, you can begin the roasts,” Malfoy said from somewhere in the room. “Crab will start. 1...2...3...GO”

“Your mom’s so ugly she makes blind kids cry,” Crab said, cackling afterward.

“Mom jokes? Really?” someone from the crowd said.

“You’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a damn!” Kiana shouted back. “I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.”

The crowd let out several gasps and “ooos”.

“The only date I would take you on is to a dumpster.” Crab said, forgetting what ‘good roasts’ were.

“Which one, the one you live in?”

“Your face makes onions cry!”

“Keep going Crab, you’re bringing out the best insults in me,” Kiana responded calmly, knowing she would be able to win this easily. She noticed how Crab was becoming pissed off. 

“Why don’t you go kill yourself?!” Crab shouted, clearly crossing the line of roasts and heading into the asshole category. The crowd was shocked and looked to Kiana to see what she would say next. Kiana smiled.

“Crab, if I wanted to kill myself I’d climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ level.”

The crowd went insane, they noticed Crab becoming weaker. He looked around for Malfoy to see what he should do next, but Draco was nowhere to be seen. He became nervous, looking from the crowd to Kiana, who had clearly already won. Nobody could beat her when it came to roast offs.

“Y-you’re stupid,” Crab said, not wanting to lose. 

Kiana laughed. “I think you’re right! I’m having trouble counting the fucks I give. I can’t get past zero.”

Crab fell to his knees, he noticed his clothes and skin were starting to catch fire from her roasts. He was defeated. The students started to leave after declaring Kiana as their victor in the roast competition. They didn’t want to stick around to smell the stench of burning flesh. I guess they won’t be seeing Crab around anymore.

“Well, I guess it’s time to eat!” Vera said, happy that her team won.

“Omelet,” Jamie responded.

The three of them headed to the great hall for dinner, their third day already insane as fuck. As they entered the room, they saw Cedric waiting at the door with the chains. He grabbed Vera before she could head to the Slytherin table again and chained her to the bench once again. Kiana headed to the Gryffindor table and Jamie to Ravenclaw. (We were in those houses in part 1 and I'm too lazy to change it so yeah we’re at the tables of lies). Kiana sat down next to the golden trio. She noticed that Draco was sitting across from Harry. So that’s where he was during the roast off.

“Harry… am I handsome?” Draco asked, making puppy eyes at Harry.

“I don’t know, ask your girlfriend,” Harry replied, not looking up from the Daily Prophet he was reading.

“But I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Then you have your answer.”

“Burn..” murmured Kiana, eating the food that pocket Jin had made for her.

“SCREEEEEEEE” a voice screamed, it sounded like a dying cat. When Kiana looked over and saw the damage, she knew another person was about to die that day. The dapper potato must have rolled out of Vera’s pocket when Cedric was chaining her up. Now, its remains were spread across Cedric’s ass. He had sat on it. Vera glared at him, angrier than she has ever been before.

“Oh no,” Kiana said, knowing what was about to happen. But it was too late to do anything to stop it.

“OMAE WA MOU SHINDEIRU!” Vera said as another pair of red beams shot out of her eyes.

“NANIII” Cedric screamed before his dead body hit the floor.

“LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR” a random Slytherin screamed.

“NO!” a voice shouted from the entrance of the great hall. “I WANTED TO KILL CEDRIC!” Voldemort cried before using Quirrel, his current boyfriend, to escape on piggyback.

END OF DAY THREE (177 DAYS LEFT IN THE SCHOOL YEAR)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg why are you still here? Might as well comment your favorite Shrek character...


	4. Jesus is a Biscuit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Best chapter tbh, but probably very confusing if you didn't go to middle school with us. Is llama milk a thing btw?

"Now add two teaspoons of my will to live into your pepper up potion... oh wait. That ingredient never existed," Snape said, looking around the room at the bored students. 

"I know you stole my Japanese pen," a prepubescent voice whispered to Kiana. Fuck. It was happening again. Ever since Gavin died, he haunted Kiana's thoughts. It seemed like he was genuinely attached to that Japanese pen. 

"fuck off," Kiana replied quietly.

"EXCUUUUSE ME!" Snape yelled, getting up onto his desk and lowering himself into a plank. He crab-walked towards Kiana menacingly and licked her cauldron for the third time that day.

"WHERE'S MY JAPANESE PEN?!" Gavin shouted in Kiana's head.

"FUCK OFF!" Kiana said louder.

"NEGATIVE ONE HUNDRED POINTS AND 8 WEEKS OF DETENTIONNN," Snape cried.

"WHAT? BUT-"

"NOT YOU."

"HUH-"

"MIMSBORNE."

"OH FOR FFFF-" Vera shouted, before being cut off by Snape's toe. He had taken his foot out of his high heel and stroked Vera's lips with his big toe.

"Shhhh"

Kiana distracted herself from the situation by pulling up her sleeve and admiring her arm of Jack Frost x Elsa tattoos. The right arm. 

“Omelet,” Jamie whispered to herself before the bell rang. Snape slipped his high heel back on and crab-walked back to his desk. He already had a long day and was hungry as fuck. He wanted something smooth and soft, easy to swallow. He knew what he wanted. That white substance that he could squeeze out into his mouth. (I know this is sounding very wrong, but bear with me). That thick liquid that could cover most of his tongue while he let it sit in his mouth. 

Snape craved gogurt. He wanted to slurp the gogurt through the cheap plastic tube and savor the flavor. He desired to slowly rip open the smooth plastic sides of it with his teeth and lick out the remaining gogurt that lay within. He fucking loved gogurt. And he needed it.

Dumbledab walked into the potions room dressed as Gandalf and did a dap. "Snape you hoe, stop moaning about gogurt, and brew me up another one of your weed potions."

Snape snapped out of his trance and looked up at Dumbledab. "Got it," he mumbled, sad that his fantasy was so short-lived.

"SNAPE’S AN ASS," Vera said to her friends, as they headed out of the classroom. "I have a detention every Saturday for the next 3 months and it's only the fourth day of school!" She waved her wand around in anger and did an accidental squat. Kiana accidentally squatted as well. Jamie followed suit. It seemed to be contagious. 

"I think Gavin's haunting me," Kiana spoke, ignoring what Vera previously said. "He's still convinced I stole his Japanese pen."

"What do you think was so special about it?" Vera asked, aimlessly doing a sideways squat.

"Maybe it had yaoi on it," wondered Jamie.

"BITCH! FELIZ NAVIDAD" a voice screamed from far away.

"What," Kiana said.

"HAPPY KWANZAA" 

"Oh n-"

"OH THE LASHALONG IN THE HOLE! COME THROUGH DADDY YAAAAS, DADDY YAAAAAAAAAAS!" Harry ran past them screaming, heading towards Draco. 

“BLOODY GRYFFINDOR,” Vera screamed in Harry’s direction.

"Anyways..." Kiana continued, as they walked outside to the courtyard. “What should I do about Gavin?”

“Well ghosts are usually tied to an object,” Jamie responded, thinking about what he could be tied to.

Vera knew exactly what he was tied to. She remembered that day like it was yesterday. When Gavin bonded with her whilst talking about their kindles. Their love kindled as well… (I’M JUST KIDDING IT WAS TOO TEMPTING, THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN’T WRITE FANFICTION BY MYSELF). She remembered how his voice cracked as he talked about his prized possession, and how he talked too much when he wasn’t reading on it.

“It’s his fucking kindle,” Vera said, looking at her friends. “How the hell are we supposed to destroy that? It’s probably still in California!”

“Well, we do have a free period…” Kiana thought out loud. 

“No.”

“And there are thestrals in the forests.”

“NO”

“It’s settled then,” Kiana said, already walking towards the forbidden forest. “We’re going on a fucking adventure.”

“We’re going to steal their dog, then blackmail them to give us his kindle. Is this robbery?” Vera asked.

“No, not if we record it and put it on the Internet,” Kiana replied, holding a Shitzu and looking into Gavin’s house. His parents would be home from dinner any minute now, and the only way they were going to get their dog back was to hand over the fucking kindle. 

“Oh wait, that’s true. If we record it and put it on the Internet then it’s just a prank!” Vera said, pulling out her iphone 3s. She quickly opened her Facebook and started to go live. Within minutes, all of her Minecraft friends joined the livestream. “Hey Vsauce, Michael here!” she cried into her phone, her Minecraft friends getting excited. “Today, we stole a dog and are forcing the owners to give us a possession of theirs…” the minecrafters started to quake and salvate in excitement. “OH! Here they are, pulling into the driveway!”

Kiana and Jamie followed Vera’s gaze and saw Gavin’s parents getting out of their car. “Come on, make sure to get it all on your livestream,” Kiana told Vera. She walked towards the adults, making sure to distance herself and the dog from them. “GIVE US THE FUCKING KINDLE!”

“What?” Gavin’s dad asked calmly. His eyes traveled towards the dog and he started to sweat like Shrek in a sauna. He knew in his gut that if he didn’t give them what they wanted, the girls would never give the dog back.  
“Fine, just don’t harm the dog,” he said, putting his arms up in surrender. He knew how precious the kindle was to his son. Hell, he remembered how Gavin talked about marrying the kindle in his sleep. He had talked about doing other things to the kindle as well, but he didn’t think this was a good time to think about those things. (Dear god, if Gavin somehow reads this i’m going to move to Canada. I’m not going to apologize to him though, he was an ass).

Gavin’s dad pulled down his pants and squatted, slowly shitting out the kindle. It came out of his ass with a ‘pop’ and fell to the ground unharmed. His wife’s skin peeled off because she was an onion. The man licked her dead skin that had fallen to the ground. His skin turned an odd shade of green and ogre ears grew out of his head. He squatted defensively and repeatedly. The girls knew this was a good time to retrieve the kindle and skedaddle.

The minecrafters watching the livestream cheered emotionally. They knew they could count on Vera for a stimulus livestream. She pulled a minecraft sword out of her pocket and thrusted it at the camera. Her friends pulled out their minecraft tools as well and thrusted them back, even though they knew Vera couldn’t see it. Vera’s phone died dramatically, the battery usually only lasted 20 minutes. But god damn, those were the best twenty minutes her minecraft friends ever had. The passion, the thrill, the trepidation. As the livestream ended, they cried out in triumph, clutching their minecraft swords tightly. They screamed into the night. Tears poured out of their eyes, and they hoped that Vera might be able to hear their screams of triumph one day. Vera smiled and nodded into an invisible camera like she was in The Office. 

The three girls retrieved the kindle and kept the dog too. They knew they would need therapy after this. They landed back at Hogwarts around midnight and smashed the kindle to pieces. The thestrals shit on the remains and walked away sassily. 

“My Japanese pen…” Gavin said, his voice fading away in Kiana’s mind. Kiana sighed, both tired and happy. It was finally over. She turned around and walked a couple of feet towards the edge of the forest. Kiana glanced over her shoulder to make sure Vera and Jamie weren’t looking.

“Suckerrr,” she said, pulling a small Japanese pen out of her pocket, making sure to hide it from her friends. She finally got away with it. Now nobody will ever know the truth. They naruto ran towards the castle, whilst singing kpop songs. Dumbledab looked down from his tower and saw them spazzing around with the dog they stole. He dabbed happily, he loved when his students went on dangerous adventures. It was such a thrill. The three girls walked up the steps into the castle, the doggo behind them. This was going to be a long year. 

END OF DAY FOUR (176 DAYS LEFT IN THE SCHOOL YEAR, END MY SUFFERING)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know what's under shrek's first layer of skin.


End file.
